Mental Health

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I worry because I live in an area with very few (almost none) mental health services.
Admittedly, I have a lot going on between my daughters, work (I just picked up another job), grad school, my marriage, trying to get healthy and the basics of keeping myself and my family afloat.  But sometimes I have episodes that are altogether different.  Intellectually, I know that the feelings that I'm experiencing in the moment are way too extreme for the circumstances.  That unfortunately doesn't make them any less real.  I try to readjust, but this often makes things worse.
I need to be in counseling, I think.  I mostly have a handle on the day-to-day, but I have these moments.  These moments where I feel like I'm drowning, or when I can't seem to move my limbs at all, or when my world flashes white with unexpected and unwarranted rage towards people that I love.  Where my mind stops me.
I don't think it would scare me if I didn't know that the nearest mental health clinic is over forty five minutes away and grossly overbooked.  I think that I would seek help more readily if I felt like I could get it here.  I'm too busy, frankly, to sit and talk about problems that I talk to myself about over and over.  If I try to fit one more thing in my schedule, I feel as though my life will collapse under all that weight.
For now, I'm trying meditation.  I can only hope it's enough.

Random Thought

The relationship I currently have with my body (from time to time), summed up in a musical: I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change.

I'm back, baby(s).

Alright.
So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to.  When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school.  Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading.  I was in a really good place.

Source

And then something happened that really derailed me, in a lot of ways.
I got pregnant again.  The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet.  I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms.  I stopped losing weight.  I started to get really worried.  I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind.  But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt.  I was devastated and terrified.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband.  I remember that my hands were shaking and cold.  I didn't have to say it out loud.  I burst into tears.  He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced.  "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move.  I had been accepted to school and we were set to go.  I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding.  I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school.  I really felt that I needed to go ahead.  I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school.  With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.

Lala & Mimi

Now I'm getting ready for my last semester, taking a few summer courses and trying to get back into my groove.  I'm working out and trying to eat better; I'm almost back down to the weight I was when I got pregnant with Mimi (which was about fifteen down from the weight I seem to hover around when I don't pay attention).  I'm trying to get back into writing and read more (for me!).

Thus, this post.  I'm working on my own projects again, though I'm going to try to ease into a little.  Here we go!

Panache

Can I just take a second and tell you how much I love my new Panache sports bra?  Being well-endowed, I have trouble finding a good sports bra, but this thing is amazing.  I was doing jumping jacks in the thing and my butt was bouncing more than my chest.  A revelation!  Hurray!
That is all.  :)

Busy!

I got into graduate school!!!!
This of course means that I am super busy.  We need to get ready to move, we need to find jobs and a place to live, I'm still working and taking care of the baby.  Plus, it's summer, which means visits and trying to get some leisure in.
It's only going to get crazier!  I have decided to Camp NaNoWriMo next month.  Which may be a mistake, but I'm going to give it the good college try anyhow.  Before we get there, I'm going to try to write a few blog posts and schedule them for about once a week up through the middle of August.  I'll still be around; I've got lots to say.  But it'll be spotty.
Away!

Keeping it up

The motto for today is 'Rome wasn't built in a day.'  I have lost eleven pounds and sort of stalled out a little.  Possibly because I've had a terrible week.  It's been mega stressful on its own and my biology is out to get me.  I know I am a stress eater, so I've been trying to be mindful.  But, honestly, it is better for me to sacrifice some calories than to torture myself with resisting my sweet tooth.
I am trying to get back in the groove.  I just have to keep on the mantra.  Forward, forward, forward.  It'll take time.

Opting In

I want to be on What Not to Wear.  Occasionally I can be counted on to look presentable.  I am nothing if not a student, so I have tried to internalize the key points of the show.  However, this has a way of backfiring on me.  Namely, that I don't buy clothes because I talk myself out of them.
While I was pregnant, I needed to buy some clothes, but my biggest concern was simply whether it fit over my stomach and would see me to the end of my pregnancy.  But Lala's eight months old now, and I'm working on losing weight.  Soon I'll have to buy clothes.  At least, I hope I have to buy clothes soon.
I'm about ten pounds down and I'm not really noticing much of a difference in the way my clothes fit.  It's a little frustrating.  Keep on trucking.
Anyway, buying clothes has always been difficult for me.  I am pretty picky and I am very cheap when it comes to myself.  (Mostly.  I will spend money on bras, because I am not about to suffer to save ten bucks.)  On the other hand, I'm very interested in fashion.  I read fashion blogs, I watch fashion shows, I work with clothes everyday.
I dress like a schlub.  I need to figure out how to balance practical with fun.
In other, related news, I've finally tried Polyvore.  It's pretty fun but I have a tendency to get stuck on one item.  But I'm doing these theme outfits.  It's totally fun.  Like playing with paper dolls with an infinite amount of pieces.  And, if ever I am rich, I could make these dream outfits a reality.  Ha, ha.

Writing

I want to write again.

God, just writing that makes me nostalgic.  Sometimes I'll get in a good pattern, where I manage to read and blog and work out and spend time with my family and something is still missing.  I think that it's probably writing.  Or maybe roleplaying which serves a lot of the same functions in a slightly different format.
When I'm writing or gaming actively, I find myself less bored and overall in a better mood.  But it's a lot of time investment.  Time is something I simply don't have too much of these days.
But that's probably an excuse.  I don't feel so hot about my writing of late.  The characters floating around my head are all old, their story-lines largely forgotten or incomplete or both, their voices rusty and disused.  I feel awkward at the keyboard, only able to hash out the barest bits of a cliche before I'm too upset/disgusted to continue.
Perhaps I need to do something drastic.  Camp Nanowrimo starts up again in July.  If I get into grad school, that would be one hell of a balancing act.  Moving, momming, working out, eating alright, blogging, working. Mmmmm.  Maybe.

Nail cutting

The worst baby chore, even worse than changing poopy diapers, is nail cutting.  It is a nerve wracking experience that I can only compare disarming bombs in the movies.
You need to take a wriggling human being and cut the barest sliver of the thinnest substance right from the end of the wiggliest part of said human.  If you're not super careful, if there's one little slip, the baby is screaming and bleeding, and, worse, it's all your fault.  It is the worst psychic torment to heap upon a parent.  But if you don't cut the baby's nails they scratch themselves and everyone else around all to hell.
Some advice says to cut the baby's nails while they sleep, but Lala's not that deep of a sleeper.  It would make it much easier.  There are also baby nail files on the market.  I've never been that great at filing my own nails, but I bet it would be more painless.  The only downside is that you have to file every day.  I have to cut Lala's nails about once a week.
Oh, well.  It's done today.  No Mommy torture for a few more days, at least.

Breastfeeding

Man, I did not realize what a snakes' nest it is feeding your baby.  Everyone has an opinion, and some people get super vocal/scary about it.  Breastfeeding is the only way!  Breastfeeding is an abomination   You feed formula!?  You ingest caffeine!?
It's exhausting, dudes.
So, mostly I try to avoid the mommy drama.  Especially on the internet!  I say, if you're doing what you can to make your baby the healthiest he or she can be, that's all anyone can ask.  No judgement here.
I decided, a long time ago, that I wanted to breastfeed.  I knew it was going to be tough, but I insisted to myself that it was the way.  I wouldn't take no for an answer.  After my experience having Lala, however, I was worried that I had been too steadfast about this particular thing.  That there was no way I could have what I wanted in this arena.  But I was wrong.  My steadfast insistence proved one of my greatest allies in my attempts to breastfeed.
That is the biggest piece of advice I can give: you have to WANT it.  There were times that it was harder than anything I'd ever done before.  Times when I was exhausted beyond belief, or just wanted a minute completely to myself, or suffering discomfort from too much nursing or not enough nursing.
Really, though, breastfeeding came easily to me.  That sounds like a brag but it's more like a wonder.  I did a fair amount of research online and in books but not as much as I thought I would.  Not nearly as much I researched anything else, and not near enough to realize that some days I would be spending close to five hours physically connected to another person.  I attribute my success mostly to Lala.  She's a good breastfeeder   Her latch is great, her focus is pretty reliable and she doesn't get too hungry before she asks (my words, haha).

Breastfeeding while laying on my side works the best for Lala and I.  It took me way too long to figure that one out.

This post comes towards what may be the end of my breastfeeding sojourn.  My initial goal was six months.  But here we are at eight, still doing alright.  I'm trying to make it to a year.  Lala wants more and more "people food" as she gets bigger and with her four teeth (top and bottom incisors), biting has become incredibly painful.  I'm trying to hold out.  I enjoy our time together so much.  It's so intimate and dreamy.  And, if I'm completely honest, the extra three hundred or so calories a day I get to eat is pretty nice.
So, here are my suggestions for successful breastfeeding, in list format, because that's how I roll.

• Get a support group.  If you have a partner, they can be a great asset.  When I was head-lolling tired, my mom and Bard supported me, helped me the best that they could.  With their support, I felt like I could continue even when all else felt lost.  I also had the number of a great lactation consultant.  You can usually get this through your hospital.  We didn't even have to ask.  There are also tons of great online resources.  But I was careful where I tread.  La Leche League International is a great resource but they stray into the political too much for my purposes (I'm a little conflict phobic, I think).
• Research.  A little.  Don't go crazy, but it's nice to have the general idea of what has worked for others in the past.  It gives you a little arsenal of things to try in the event (and it happened to me) that what your baby has been happily doing for months suddenly doesn't work.
• Trust your instincts.  Every baby and every mom are different.  What may work for someone else, or some other baby, may not work for you and that's cool.
• Balance research with your instincts and don't be afraid to play detective.  When Lala was still very new, she was having serious issues with gas.  You could hear her belly, and (gross alert!) her poops were explosive and green.  She was unhappy a lot of the time.  I had a doctor tell me that it was pretty normal, but I wasn't happy with that answer.  So I did some research and discovered that it might be a number of things with my breastfeeding technique.  So I made a number of changes and it really helped.  My favorite resource in this endeavor was http://www.breastfeeding-problems.com/.  A collection of really sound and simple advice.
• Invest in some good nursing foundations.  Especially if you go back to work.  Pumping in a regular bra  sucks!  Also, my favorite article of clothing right this moment is a mid-length nursing gown my mom bought me when I was in the hospital.  It's cool enough for summer, short enough to wear pants for winter, not terribly ugly and crazy convenient.
• Drink lots of water and try not to stress out too much.  Of all the things that supposedly impede milk production, these are the two that I have noticed pretty much kill it for me.
• Room in, at least at first.  Lala, I have told you, is a terrible sleeper.  I can only imagine trying to drag myself down the hall two or three (sometimes four!) times a night to feed her.  That she was at the foot of our bed in her cradle and then her crib was a godsend on those early late nights where she needed to be fed-NOW.
• If all else fails, formula won't kill them.  There are people who would argue this point with me.  Lala's had probably three formula feedings and it didn't inhibit her taste for breastmilk.  My production didn't flag any more than normal day-to-day fluctuations.  If you want to breastfeed almost exclusively, all you need to do is make sure it doesn't become a habit.

It is my hope that my meandering experience may do someone good.  And if it doesn't, that's okay too.  Maybe if/when I have another baby in four or five years, I'll be able to help myself.

A few book reviews

So, I just finished reading Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting by in America by Barbara Ehrenreich.  Writer Barbara Ehrenreich and her editor conceive of a sociological experiment wherein Barbara tries to earn a living wage working in minimum wage situations.
It made me super grateful for the advantages I've had and the changes that have come down since she wrote it in 2001.  But it also left sort of a bad taste in my mouth.  I can't tell whether I think that she's a wimp (although some of the jobs she does sound like absolute hell) or it's that I agree with her.  It's a complicated feeling.  She's very pro-Union, which doesn't bother me most of the time and annoys me the rest of the time.  I am ambivalent.
At the same time I was reading Nickel and Dimed, I was reading The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University by Kevin Roose.  Kevin Roose is a student at Brown.  While working for journalist A.J. Jacobs (whose excellent book A Year of Living Biblically actually pointed me to The Unlikely Disciple), Roose gets the idea to spend a semester at Liberty University, an evagelical Christian school founded by televangelist Jerry Falwell.
Overall, I enjoyed the book but it felt a little like Roose didn't know what he wanted to include or leave out.  There are some threads that he picks up and that don't really go anywhere.  A certain number of those are bound to end up in a project like this, but one can't help but wondering if they shouldn't have been edited out.  For example, the story he starts the book with doesn't really ever resolve.  But it's a solid read for anyone who is interested in how evangelical christians are socialized in an institutional setting.
This book did depress me, though, and for no reason actually related to the text.  Roose talks about the Virginia Tech in his semester and it made me realize we are the same age.  Didn't I want to be a writer at some point?  But I don't have a book and this guy does.  Damn it all.  I better get off my butt.
In side news, the house is still wet, and sort of is getting a musty smell.  We're doing what we can, but it is much slower going than we would like.

What a frickin' day

Mom, my brother and I spent the morning putting in the garden.  Lala was reasonably interested and behaved alright.  She started kicking off a little after lunch.  Between allergies kicking my ass, how uncertain everything's been and how unsettled my day off was shaping up to be, I was pretty annoyed.  I decided to throw another load of laundry in and try to nurse her to sleep.
I stepped into Bard and I's bedroom into a standing puddle of water on the carpet.  It was spreading slowly, running like a tiny creek throughout the room.  I freaked out.  I burst into hysterical tears.  It was just too much.  The mess of clothes, papers, electronics (!) that were all across the floor waiting to be tidied later today were sitting on top of an inch of water.
So Bard and Mom and my brother jumped into action while I freaked out in the living room for a little bit.  The water was in Mom's room and the bathroom as well.  The landlord came, as did my stepdad, and everyone began the tedious task of unburying the source of the problem and cleaning up the ridiculous mess. Somewhere in the line between the bedroom and the hose on the side of the house, a pipe had cracked.  So when we turned on the hose to water the garden, water essentially gushed in the house.
I took the baby out of the house, since our things and shop vacs were suddenly taking over all the space in our little house.  We wandered around Big Box for a while, visiting with the old ladies until we could go home.  The house needed time to dry out so Bard and I ended up taking Lala out into the world for a while.  When we got back, it still wasn't dry but moreso, so we took a really long walk around the neighborhood.
By the time we got home, I was totally done.  I just wanted to go and be in my room for a little while.  But everything was still pretty wet.
All in all, a pretty crappy day.  I'm just grateful nothing too valuable was totally destroyed and that it's a mess we can clean up in time.  Bleeeeehhh.

Dragging

Lala has decided that she doesn't want to sleep for the second day in a row.  I'm really starting to feel the effects of not getting any sleep.
Not that she was a great sleeper in the first place.  Most sleep advice out there is aimed at parents of newborns or involves the cry it out method.  I just can't do that right now.  Part of it is that it hurts me too bad.  I can't stand to listen to her cry and not do anything about it.  I have trouble thinking of soothing my baby as indulgent.  I have trouble with the thought that even though she's shaking and blotchy and red from crying that she didn't need me in the first place.  But an even bigger obstacle to cry it out is that she lives in our room.  Her crib is at the foot of our bed.  How cruel would it be to be within her sight and not respond to her?  How much sleep would we get if she was crying away in the same room?  No thanks.
She hasn't been a terrible sleeper in the past couple of months.  She got into a good pattern where she only woke up a handful of time throughout the night to nurse (and usually I'm the only one that she woke and not for long) and would sleep, consistently, until about nine-thirty or ten.
But about a week ago that all fell apart.
A lot of parenting advice warned me that this shift in sleep was coming-but it wasn't supposed to be for another month or so.  She does things on her own schedule.  She's cutting teeth, which is uncomfortable and makes her feel icky, causing her to wake screaming bloody murder in the wee hours of the morning.  But otherwise, it just seems that there's been a shift in her sleep.  She stays up later (which is ridiculous because in my opinion she already stayed up way too late.  A part of me is grateful since I'm stuck working nights at Big Box; it's nice to be able to see her and snuggle her.) and she gets up earlier.  But she's not in any sort of pattern yet.
I sort of wish I could stick to a schedule with her.  She needs her rest and I definitely need  my rest.  But with Big Box randomness it is currently sort of impossible.
It's probably not helping that I've been feeling an adrenaline rush since I started this graduate school process.  The crazies have set in, filling up my notebook with list after list of things I need to do, plan, get, etc.
What I wouldn't give for a decent night of sleep.

New Look!

Hey, just a quick note.  I'm starting a new blog.  It's going to be focused on my professional development and reading and my graduate studies work. (If you're interested: http://teachreadwritelive.blogspot.com/)  I feel a little like I'll be tempted to bog it down here, and I'm not so into that.  So I gave this blog a little template change so they're sufficiently different.  That's all.  Love!

Procrastination

I am procrastinating.  I need to get that under control.  Maybe this isn't the best place to talk about this.  Rather, this isn't the right time.
I am doing things that need to be done: I am starting to craft a budget to go back to school, I'm making a list of projects that need to be completed to move, I'm doing laundry and contemplating leaving the computer for a bit to get a workout in.  But I'm not doing what I should be doing, what currently tops the priority chart.  Namely, I am not writing my letter of intent for my grad application.
I find this type of writing incredibly daunting.  I don't like to write to praise myself.  I sort of find talking about why I want things difficult.  This is probably especially difficult since it was such a last minute decision on my part.  I had been mulling it over but I realize that I haven't really thought about it.
I need help!  I don't really know who to ask.  Perhaps I just need to really muscle through it.  Turn off my internet for a while and just write it.
Ahhhhh.
I need to learn from this experience.  I need lead time.  I don't work well under pressure.  At least, I distract myself constantly when under pressure.  I will learn this lesson.  I will take this lesson to grad school and try to never get in this spot with assignments.

Internet Clicks

Everyone seems to be all over Pinterest these days.  Even the most techno-illiterate people on my Facebook feed (they still hunt-and-peck!) are on Pinterest.  But for whatever reason, I missed the wave.  What's weird is I typically love aggregators like that.  I would like to give it another fair shake, but I'm a little preoccupied with with graduate school stuff.  So let me share a couple of my current go-to clicks.

Let me start with Goodreads.  It is precisely what it sound like, a site to find good books to check out.  You can rate and review books that you've read and receive recommendations for further reading.  You can organize books that you have read, are reading or would like to read on your profile.  There are also book lists, made by site members and moderators, centered around certain themes.  When I was first introduced to the site, I went a little crazy on it.  I rated about four hundred books, and put about a hundred more on my "to-read" shelf.  I haven't had much of a chance to get involved in the community aspects of the site.  It has been interesting to read reviews.  Unlike a site like Amazon, where you get reviews more from a customer angle, Goodreads reviewers usually style themselves a lot like critics.  It's a lot more like reading an editorial review.  I could go on and on but I'll stop except to say that I recently went on a used books shopping spree and bought  mostly books on my "to-read" shelf.

Next is Houzz, which is sort of like a bevy of home magazines with all the articles cut out.  It is tons and tons of pictures of home spaces (and home products like sofas and beds and whatnot).  On the site you can create ideabooks, where you can collect images that inspire you.  The site also has the capability to point you towards local professionals that could help you in remodeling-contractors, furniture stores, etc.  Since I am currently poor as dirt, I haven't used this service so I can't speak to its usefulness.  You can browse others' ideabooks or search the images for a specific feature, such as small kitchens or English garden.  There are also a number of useful and just humorous articles on home-related topics.

So those two are my current internet obsessions.  I'm sure when Pinterest gets a fair shake, I'll be super addicted just like everyone else I know.

Dream House

I don't live in a beautiful place.
I've always wanted to live in a place that looked intentional, designed, right down to the bathroom and maybe even the closets.  Like a magazine.  But not really like a magazine, because I would actually like to live there.  And not really exactly like a magazine in that I would like it to be my design and my intention in the space.  Or perhaps mine and someone else's.
I used to think that that was crazy, because I never really knew anyone that lived that way.  But with the increased popularity of design shows and blogs, better design for everyday living seems more in reach than ever before.  Although right now most of my things are inherited, I believe that I'll be able to turn that around someday.
The whole picture is a little overwhelming.  Over the years I have started vaguely collecting things that I like the look of and sort of trying to get a picture in my head.  And so, I've decided to make a list of these things and update it as I discover things I like or refine what I'm after.  I am a list person, so you should probably expect more in the future.

I should probably learn to tidy up better, too, though....

Designs "cues" that I enjoy

• Light.  I love tons of light.  Pretty standard desire.  It's complicated a little by the fact that my main design partner-Bard-likes things dim.  Dim has its place, and I want it as an option, but tons of diffuse white light is really what I crave.
• Minimalism.  I prefer things to look clean and relatively uncluttered.  With one glaring exception
• Books!  Books literally everywhere.  Kids' books, grown-up books, textbooks, cookbooks.  I think as far as clutter goes this is my greatest weakness.  As I type, there are eight new acquisitions on the coffee table/bench in the living room.  I would love to have a room to call the library.
•  Visual warmth and some softness.  Style I am attracted to can be a little harsh.  It needs to be softened up with textiles or warm colors or sweet touches.
• Buddha.  A little dash of Buddha is always nice.  There is something exotic, peaceful and human about them.  Although I don't understand the glitter Buddhas I've seen.
• Quirky details.  By which I mean tchotchkes, I think.  I like spaces that one can explore and discover new things every time.  Or maybe just things to play with.
• Framed art.  My preferred art is probably photography.  I like black and white photography because it's classic and goes with pretty much anything at all.  Black and white can make even a mediocre photo better.  But I also like quirky colorful pieces.
• Hardwood floors.  I think because I hate to vacuum and love to sock skate.  Still thinking  on this.
• Circles.  So round.  So perfect.
• Contrast.  I love the classic black and white look, but anything with a lot of contrast is really pleasing to my eye.

That's it for now, I suppose.  This was fun.  :)

BWWWAAAHHH

I wish I wasn't so socially awkward.  I need to scrounge up some recommendations for grad school but I'm nervous about asking people.  Especially since I need at least one focusing on my teaching performance and I did not keep up relationships with the people I worked with on my student teaching.  I honestly don't know how to keep in touch with people.  Grah.  I've had a message to my old boss open for a while that I'm not sure how to word or how to send.
Why am I so awkward?
I get physically twitchy trying to do this type of thing.  I'm super bent out of shape.  I need to relax.
Or eat a lot of cake.
Relaxing's probably better for me....

School: Grad-u-it, eventually grad-u-ate

I'm being trepidatious about applying to grad school.  (So much so that I distracted myself with an interesting defense of trepidatious as a word here. I vote yeah.  Or is it yay?)  I am applying to my alma mater.  I went on the website to see what I would have to do and discovered that the application deadline had been extended from April 1.  I should take it as a sign!  I need to get on this.  But I'm so nervous.
1! I hate rejection.  Who doesn't?  I am so scared that they're going to say no after I get my hopes up.  That my heart will be broken.
2!  I don't know if I can afford it.  Going back to school means moving and trying to negotiate a new living situation, a new work situation, books, childcare, food, tuition.  I can barely afford my life right now.  Let me add in school, the job that you pay.  I don't know if we can carry it.
3!  I don't know if I'm ready.  My brain feels totally dead lately.  I am having trouble just balancing some recreational reading and writing with my everyday life with Lala and Bard.  Can I really carry a course-load?   I want school to be successful.  Can I truly devote the time I need to do this correctly?
4!  A biggie!  I don't know that I know what I want to do.  When I apply it will be for literacy education.  I don't know if that's wise.  I like parts of teaching.  I love to write lesson plans (well, come up with the ideas for lessons).  I love working with kids, I love having a job that I can take home and mull over (and have that actually work out for me).  I love the hours and the kid-friendliness of the profession.  But I'm intimidated by parents, other teachers and staff, socially awkward in a way that hinders my progress.  Should I spend the money and time and effort to get this Master's if I'm not sure I want to pursue this profession?  Should I leave this profession behind when I haven't gotten a chance to really experience it, and what I have experienced I have loved?
The window for the application is open.
I am going to do it.  I can do it.
Right?
Right.
In other news, I am making fettuccine alfredo for dinner.  I'll post the recipe later.

Buddy Cops!

An idea for a d20 game hit me like a bolt in the blue!
For the uninitiated, when I say d20 game, I mean any number of pen-and-paper role-playing games that utilize a 20 sided die in their main mechanics.  In college, Bard and I game with great regularity, and I would love to get back into it.  However, it's a tough sell for people who've never played them before, especially non-nerds, and I have no friends here in the big OH.
Oh, college.  It was so easy to meet people there.  At Big Box, most of the people I work with are old enough to be my grandmother.
Anyway!  Since Bard and I mostly on our own for nerd stuff unless we manage to get online (and both of us online for any sort of uninterrupted time with an infant to care for would have to be some kind of ridiculous miracle) games that we can play by ourselves are great.  The downside is that many genres don't necessarily work with that diminished force.  In fantasy, the four man party is really the ideal.
Enter the buddy-cop scenario!  Two man groups are really best for this type of investigative dynamic, and outside characters can be episodic.  I can think of countless examples across multiple genres from Scully and Mulder to Shawn and Gus  Further, we could take turns making adventures for the other to take the lead in discovering, allowing the writer of the adventure to act in a more supportive role.
I'm thinking either present day or some sort of sci-fi future type of setting.  I'll have to present the idea to Bard when he gets home today.  Perhaps we can talk preliminaries on our walk.