I'm back, baby(s).

Alright.
So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to.  When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school.  Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading.  I was in a really good place.

Source

And then something happened that really derailed me, in a lot of ways.
I got pregnant again.  The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet.  I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms.  I stopped losing weight.  I started to get really worried.  I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind.  But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt.  I was devastated and terrified.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband.  I remember that my hands were shaking and cold.  I didn't have to say it out loud.  I burst into tears.  He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced.  "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move.  I had been accepted to school and we were set to go.  I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding.  I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school.  I really felt that I needed to go ahead.  I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school.  With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.

Lala & Mimi

Now I'm getting ready for my last semester, taking a few summer courses and trying to get back into my groove.  I'm working out and trying to eat better; I'm almost back down to the weight I was when I got pregnant with Mimi (which was about fifteen down from the weight I seem to hover around when I don't pay attention).  I'm trying to get back into writing and read more (for me!).

Thus, this post.  I'm working on my own projects again, though I'm going to try to ease into a little.  Here we go!

Long time, no see....

Time!  I haven't gotten to write in a while, and that sucks!  I am sorry, me, for not taking this time.  I am sorry, you, for promising things and then disappearing.  Not cool.

Lala sleeps like her mother sometimes...

Between working, looking for better work, taking care of Lala and taking care of my marriage and my health I have had very little time to myself that I have not used either napping or just vegging.  But I'm trying to be more active in all ways, so back to this!
Actually, I missed writing in my blog immensely.  It is a place where I can work out the threads going through my head. Part of the issue is that I started a blog post that was really too emotional to write at the time and I got blocked.  I still want to write that post, about the process of having my daughter, but for now it can rest. I'm still processing the thoughts and emotions and events, even though it's seven months later.  It's a complex post.  I'll let it stew a while longer.
Updates!  The breastfeeding is going very well.  I'll devote a whole post to it, but Lala is now just over seven months old and we've only supplemented with formula probably twice.  Lala started on homemade purees (also a likely post) and baby cereal.  She loves peas, hooray! We're actually looking at using formula now to mix into Lala's cereal since her schedule is a little wonky thanks to my wonky Big Box schedule.  The pumping is going well on and off.
My emotions have been raging over the past several months.  Lala is not exactly an easy baby.  I love her with every atom of my being and I wouldn't trade anything for her.  But she's particular and very sensitive.  Bard and I have had to seriously work on our relationship.  We're in a better place where we try to communicate more but there are still challenges.  We both feel a little stuck and that can be a real strain on us.  Things are unstable in our home life otherwise, as well, though going into that opens up and entirely different can of worms.  I've been trying to be more mentally and socially healthy but it has been a struggle.
The weight struggle continues.  I hate to be uncomfortable, but I have a renewed fervor in the last weeks.  Bard has started looking at joining the military.  I feel like it would be a good move for our financial stability and that work in that vein will give him the satisfaction he wants out of a career.  To do that, though, he needs to get into better shape and lose a significant amount of weight.  So I'm trying to be part coach, part cheerleader, part drill sergeant.  Bard is hard to push.  He shuts down after too much.  So I'm trying a lighter touch and to be enthusiastic and active myself.  Today I had a minor victory at the market.  I bought only healthy snacks!  I'm sure we'll be able to do it if we push/support one another.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone at work who had written a book.  A few friends of mine have written books and gotten them published.  Selling on Amazon!  What the hell am I waiting for?  I can't tell you; I don't know.  I don't feel as though I'm that good.  I am definitely not that disciplined.  But with all this other disciplining I'm trying to do, maybe I should reconsider.
I feel uninspired.  I was telling Bard that I feel as though my brain has atrophied.  I don't feel as clever or as intelligent or as creative as I used to.  I want to get back there.  Maybe if I try writing again it will help.  I got a burst of energy on our RPG Maker project the other day and my brain felt pretty good for a while.  Maybe it, just like my body, just needs a more strenuous workout than Big Box can provide.
I just got an idea for a d20 Modern or maybe d20 Future game I could play with my husband.  End navel-gazing stream of consciousness!  Begin possible game notes!

Back to Work

It's official.  I'm back to work on Monday.  I am actively trying not to dread it but not doing a very good job of it.  I don't want to have to leave Lala everyday for hours.  The past weeks have zoomed by.
I am jealous of women who can afford to stay home with their kids.  I greatly enjoy it.  As the start of my workday looms, I am more and more reluctant.  I sulked much of today, and cried to my mother.  How can I feel like those moms that are excited to get back to work?  They talk about wanting to have the time to themselves, about being happier when fulfilled by their work, and appreciating the family time that they get more for the time spent away.  Intellectually, I understand this.  But my heart aches when I think about being away from Lala.  On the other hand, I think if I liked my work more I might be less reluctant.
I'm afraid of the effect working will have on my breastfeeding.  My goal is to breastfeed for a year, though I will be satisfied with myself if i make it to six months.  We have had a successful two months so far.  I'm not sure what to expect or even what to do as I try to negotiate work and breastfeeding.  Most of the internet advice I read is for women with predictably scheduled desk jobs.  Close the door to your office, they suggest.  I suppose that speaks to the type of working woman who is breastfeeding.  If I figure it out, I'll let you know.
The other issue I think I'm having is that I finally feel like I've gotten into a good groove.  I'm sleeping more regular hours, and I'm actually getting things done during the day.  Initially, I was amazed if aside from caring for Lala I managed to get myself bathed and fed.  Things have started to get more predictable and a little easier.  Getting myself onto some semblance of a schedule was making me feel stable.  Going back to work means adjusting to a whole new schedule.  And, unfortunately, due to the nature of my employment, it will likely be a sporadic one.
I have to tell myself that going to work is what is best for my family right now.  Lala will be better off if I'm bringing in an income and we have the benefits that my job gives me.  I have to believe it.

Playing all day

I guess not.

This year I applied for the Teach for America program.  This isn't the first year I've tried.  Two years ago my sister and I applied at the same time.  I made it to the second round of interviews (second step in a three step process) but no further.  My sister made it all the way and is closing out her commitment to the corp this school year.  I didn't make it past this phase again.
I'm trying not to take it too hard.  I know that it's better that I didn't get knocked out in the final round of interviews, since it would definitely hurt more to have made it so close and have it come to naught.  But it's hard not to take it personally.  Since I graduated college I've only had one successful job interview.  It was for a substitute teaching position and they never really called me.  I think I substituted for the district a total of six days in a year.  It was completely pathetic.  Every other resume I've filled out, every application sent out was either met with silence or form letter rejection.
I'm underemployed.  I work part-time (not a choice) at a big box retailer where I got a job before I was finished with college.  I hate my job.  I don't feel like I have to use my brain at all.  Everything is cyclical and bureaucratic.  I count myself lucky to have a job but I have a college degree and $20,000 worth of debt to fold T-shirts and occasionally run a cash register.  It is a strange tightrope walk.  I am glad that I have work. I am grateful for it.  But I want to feel like my work matters.  I can't figure out why I don't feel like my work matters.  I don't think lowly of people that do my work and enjoy it.
I feel like an apologist suddenly.
I want a career but I feel guilty wanting more than I have.  But mostly today I feel rejected.
Maybe homemade sloppy joes will make me feel better.