Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I worry because I live in an area with very few (almost none) mental health services.
Admittedly, I have a lot going on between my daughters, work (I just picked up another job), grad school, my marriage, trying to get healthy and the basics of keeping myself and my family afloat. But sometimes I have episodes that are altogether different. Intellectually, I know that the feelings that I'm experiencing in the moment are way too extreme for the circumstances. That unfortunately doesn't make them any less real. I try to readjust, but this often makes things worse.
I need to be in counseling, I think. I mostly have a handle on the day-to-day, but I have these moments. These moments where I feel like I'm drowning, or when I can't seem to move my limbs at all, or when my world flashes white with unexpected and unwarranted rage towards people that I love. Where my mind stops me.
I don't think it would scare me if I didn't know that the nearest mental health clinic is over forty five minutes away and grossly overbooked. I think that I would seek help more readily if I felt like I could get it here. I'm too busy, frankly, to sit and talk about problems that I talk to myself about over and over. If I try to fit one more thing in my schedule, I feel as though my life will collapse under all that weight.
For now, I'm trying meditation. I can only hope it's enough.
Showing posts with label brain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brain. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
I'm back, baby(s).
Alright.
So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to. When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school. Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading. I was in a really good place.
And then something happened that really derailed me, in a lot of ways.
I got pregnant again. The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet. I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms. I stopped losing weight. I started to get really worried. I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind. But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt. I was devastated and terrified. I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband. I remember that my hands were shaking and cold. I didn't have to say it out loud. I burst into tears. He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced. "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move. I had been accepted to school and we were set to go. I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding. I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school. I really felt that I needed to go ahead. I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school. With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.
Now I'm getting ready for my last semester, taking a few summer courses and trying to get back into my groove. I'm working out and trying to eat better; I'm almost back down to the weight I was when I got pregnant with Mimi (which was about fifteen down from the weight I seem to hover around when I don't pay attention). I'm trying to get back into writing and read more (for me!).
So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to. When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school. Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading. I was in a really good place.
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| Source |
I got pregnant again. The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet. I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms. I stopped losing weight. I started to get really worried. I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind. But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt. I was devastated and terrified. I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband. I remember that my hands were shaking and cold. I didn't have to say it out loud. I burst into tears. He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced. "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move. I had been accepted to school and we were set to go. I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding. I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school. I really felt that I needed to go ahead. I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school. With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.
 |
| Lala & Mimi |
Thus, this post. I'm working on my own projects again, though I'm going to try to ease into a little. Here we go!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Writing
I want to write again.
God, just writing that makes me nostalgic. Sometimes I'll get in a good pattern, where I manage to read and blog and work out and spend time with my family and something is still missing. I think that it's probably writing. Or maybe roleplaying which serves a lot of the same functions in a slightly different format.
When I'm writing or gaming actively, I find myself less bored and overall in a better mood. But it's a lot of time investment. Time is something I simply don't have too much of these days.
But that's probably an excuse. I don't feel so hot about my writing of late. The characters floating around my head are all old, their story-lines largely forgotten or incomplete or both, their voices rusty and disused. I feel awkward at the keyboard, only able to hash out the barest bits of a cliche before I'm too upset/disgusted to continue.
Perhaps I need to do something drastic. Camp Nanowrimo starts up again in July. If I get into grad school, that would be one hell of a balancing act. Moving, momming, working out, eating alright, blogging, working. Mmmmm. Maybe.
When I'm writing or gaming actively, I find myself less bored and overall in a better mood. But it's a lot of time investment. Time is something I simply don't have too much of these days.
But that's probably an excuse. I don't feel so hot about my writing of late. The characters floating around my head are all old, their story-lines largely forgotten or incomplete or both, their voices rusty and disused. I feel awkward at the keyboard, only able to hash out the barest bits of a cliche before I'm too upset/disgusted to continue.
Perhaps I need to do something drastic. Camp Nanowrimo starts up again in July. If I get into grad school, that would be one hell of a balancing act. Moving, momming, working out, eating alright, blogging, working. Mmmmm. Maybe.
Monday, May 27, 2013
A few book reviews
So, I just finished reading Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting by in America by Barbara Ehrenreich. Writer Barbara Ehrenreich and her editor conceive of a sociological experiment wherein Barbara tries to earn a living wage working in minimum wage situations.
It made me super grateful for the advantages I've had and the changes that have come down since she wrote it in 2001. But it also left sort of a bad taste in my mouth. I can't tell whether I think that she's a wimp (although some of the jobs she does sound like absolute hell) or it's that I agree with her. It's a complicated feeling. She's very pro-Union, which doesn't bother me most of the time and annoys me the rest of the time. I am ambivalent.
At the same time I was reading Nickel and Dimed, I was reading The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University by Kevin Roose. Kevin Roose is a student at Brown. While working for journalist A.J. Jacobs (whose excellent book A Year of Living Biblically actually pointed me to The Unlikely Disciple), Roose gets the idea to spend a semester at Liberty University, an evagelical Christian school founded by televangelist Jerry Falwell.
Overall, I enjoyed the book but it felt a little like Roose didn't know what he wanted to include or leave out. There are some threads that he picks up and that don't really go anywhere. A certain number of those are bound to end up in a project like this, but one can't help but wondering if they shouldn't have been edited out. For example, the story he starts the book with doesn't really ever resolve. But it's a solid read for anyone who is interested in how evangelical christians are socialized in an institutional setting.
This book did depress me, though, and for no reason actually related to the text. Roose talks about the Virginia Tech in his semester and it made me realize we are the same age. Didn't I want to be a writer at some point? But I don't have a book and this guy does. Damn it all. I better get off my butt.
In side news, the house is still wet, and sort of is getting a musty smell. We're doing what we can, but it is much slower going than we would like.
It made me super grateful for the advantages I've had and the changes that have come down since she wrote it in 2001. But it also left sort of a bad taste in my mouth. I can't tell whether I think that she's a wimp (although some of the jobs she does sound like absolute hell) or it's that I agree with her. It's a complicated feeling. She's very pro-Union, which doesn't bother me most of the time and annoys me the rest of the time. I am ambivalent.
At the same time I was reading Nickel and Dimed, I was reading The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University by Kevin Roose. Kevin Roose is a student at Brown. While working for journalist A.J. Jacobs (whose excellent book A Year of Living Biblically actually pointed me to The Unlikely Disciple), Roose gets the idea to spend a semester at Liberty University, an evagelical Christian school founded by televangelist Jerry Falwell.
Overall, I enjoyed the book but it felt a little like Roose didn't know what he wanted to include or leave out. There are some threads that he picks up and that don't really go anywhere. A certain number of those are bound to end up in a project like this, but one can't help but wondering if they shouldn't have been edited out. For example, the story he starts the book with doesn't really ever resolve. But it's a solid read for anyone who is interested in how evangelical christians are socialized in an institutional setting.
This book did depress me, though, and for no reason actually related to the text. Roose talks about the Virginia Tech in his semester and it made me realize we are the same age. Didn't I want to be a writer at some point? But I don't have a book and this guy does. Damn it all. I better get off my butt.
In side news, the house is still wet, and sort of is getting a musty smell. We're doing what we can, but it is much slower going than we would like.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Dragging
Lala has decided that she doesn't want to sleep for the second day in a row. I'm really starting to feel the effects of not getting any sleep.
Not that she was a great sleeper in the first place. Most sleep advice out there is aimed at parents of newborns or involves the cry it out method. I just can't do that right now. Part of it is that it hurts me too bad. I can't stand to listen to her cry and not do anything about it. I have trouble thinking of soothing my baby as indulgent. I have trouble with the thought that even though she's shaking and blotchy and red from crying that she didn't need me in the first place. But an even bigger obstacle to cry it out is that she lives in our room. Her crib is at the foot of our bed. How cruel would it be to be within her sight and not respond to her? How much sleep would we get if she was crying away in the same room? No thanks.
She hasn't been a terrible sleeper in the past couple of months. She got into a good pattern where she only woke up a handful of time throughout the night to nurse (and usually I'm the only one that she woke and not for long) and would sleep, consistently, until about nine-thirty or ten.
But about a week ago that all fell apart.
A lot of parenting advice warned me that this shift in sleep was coming-but it wasn't supposed to be for another month or so. She does things on her own schedule. She's cutting teeth, which is uncomfortable and makes her feel icky, causing her to wake screaming bloody murder in the wee hours of the morning. But otherwise, it just seems that there's been a shift in her sleep. She stays up later (which is ridiculous because in my opinion she already stayed up way too late. A part of me is grateful since I'm stuck working nights at Big Box; it's nice to be able to see her and snuggle her.) and she gets up earlier. But she's not in any sort of pattern yet.
I sort of wish I could stick to a schedule with her. She needs her rest and I definitely need my rest. But with Big Box randomness it is currently sort of impossible.
It's probably not helping that I've been feeling an adrenaline rush since I started this graduate school process. The crazies have set in, filling up my notebook with list after list of things I need to do, plan, get, etc.
What I wouldn't give for a decent night of sleep.
Not that she was a great sleeper in the first place. Most sleep advice out there is aimed at parents of newborns or involves the cry it out method. I just can't do that right now. Part of it is that it hurts me too bad. I can't stand to listen to her cry and not do anything about it. I have trouble thinking of soothing my baby as indulgent. I have trouble with the thought that even though she's shaking and blotchy and red from crying that she didn't need me in the first place. But an even bigger obstacle to cry it out is that she lives in our room. Her crib is at the foot of our bed. How cruel would it be to be within her sight and not respond to her? How much sleep would we get if she was crying away in the same room? No thanks.
She hasn't been a terrible sleeper in the past couple of months. She got into a good pattern where she only woke up a handful of time throughout the night to nurse (and usually I'm the only one that she woke and not for long) and would sleep, consistently, until about nine-thirty or ten.
But about a week ago that all fell apart.
A lot of parenting advice warned me that this shift in sleep was coming-but it wasn't supposed to be for another month or so. She does things on her own schedule. She's cutting teeth, which is uncomfortable and makes her feel icky, causing her to wake screaming bloody murder in the wee hours of the morning. But otherwise, it just seems that there's been a shift in her sleep. She stays up later (which is ridiculous because in my opinion she already stayed up way too late. A part of me is grateful since I'm stuck working nights at Big Box; it's nice to be able to see her and snuggle her.) and she gets up earlier. But she's not in any sort of pattern yet.
I sort of wish I could stick to a schedule with her. She needs her rest and I definitely need my rest. But with Big Box randomness it is currently sort of impossible.
It's probably not helping that I've been feeling an adrenaline rush since I started this graduate school process. The crazies have set in, filling up my notebook with list after list of things I need to do, plan, get, etc.
What I wouldn't give for a decent night of sleep.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Procrastination
I am procrastinating. I need to get that under control. Maybe this isn't the best place to talk about this. Rather, this isn't the right time.
I am doing things that need to be done: I am starting to craft a budget to go back to school, I'm making a list of projects that need to be completed to move, I'm doing laundry and contemplating leaving the computer for a bit to get a workout in. But I'm not doing what I should be doing, what currently tops the priority chart. Namely, I am not writing my letter of intent for my grad application.
I find this type of writing incredibly daunting. I don't like to write to praise myself. I sort of find talking about why I want things difficult. This is probably especially difficult since it was such a last minute decision on my part. I had been mulling it over but I realize that I haven't really thought about it.
I need help! I don't really know who to ask. Perhaps I just need to really muscle through it. Turn off my internet for a while and just write it.
Ahhhhh.
I need to learn from this experience. I need lead time. I don't work well under pressure. At least, I distract myself constantly when under pressure. I will learn this lesson. I will take this lesson to grad school and try to never get in this spot with assignments.
I am doing things that need to be done: I am starting to craft a budget to go back to school, I'm making a list of projects that need to be completed to move, I'm doing laundry and contemplating leaving the computer for a bit to get a workout in. But I'm not doing what I should be doing, what currently tops the priority chart. Namely, I am not writing my letter of intent for my grad application.
I find this type of writing incredibly daunting. I don't like to write to praise myself. I sort of find talking about why I want things difficult. This is probably especially difficult since it was such a last minute decision on my part. I had been mulling it over but I realize that I haven't really thought about it.
I need help! I don't really know who to ask. Perhaps I just need to really muscle through it. Turn off my internet for a while and just write it.
Ahhhhh.
I need to learn from this experience. I need lead time. I don't work well under pressure. At least, I distract myself constantly when under pressure. I will learn this lesson. I will take this lesson to grad school and try to never get in this spot with assignments.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Internet Clicks
Everyone seems to be all over Pinterest these days. Even the most techno-illiterate people on my Facebook feed (they still hunt-and-peck!) are on Pinterest. But for whatever reason, I missed the wave. What's weird is I typically love aggregators like that. I would like to give it another fair shake, but I'm a little preoccupied with with graduate school stuff. So let me share a couple of my current go-to clicks.
Let me start with Goodreads. It is precisely what it sound like, a site to find good books to check out. You can rate and review books that you've read and receive recommendations for further reading. You can organize books that you have read, are reading or would like to read on your profile. There are also book lists, made by site members and moderators, centered around certain themes. When I was first introduced to the site, I went a little crazy on it. I rated about four hundred books, and put about a hundred more on my "to-read" shelf. I haven't had much of a chance to get involved in the community aspects of the site. It has been interesting to read reviews. Unlike a site like Amazon, where you get reviews more from a customer angle, Goodreads reviewers usually style themselves a lot like critics. It's a lot more like reading an editorial review. I could go on and on but I'll stop except to say that I recently went on a used books shopping spree and bought mostly books on my "to-read" shelf.
Next is Houzz, which is sort of like a bevy of home magazines with all the articles cut out. It is tons and tons of pictures of home spaces (and home products like sofas and beds and whatnot). On the site you can create ideabooks, where you can collect images that inspire you. The site also has the capability to point you towards local professionals that could help you in remodeling-contractors, furniture stores, etc. Since I am currently poor as dirt, I haven't used this service so I can't speak to its usefulness. You can browse others' ideabooks or search the images for a specific feature, such as small kitchens or English garden. There are also a number of useful and just humorous articles on home-related topics.
So those two are my current internet obsessions. I'm sure when Pinterest gets a fair shake, I'll be super addicted just like everyone else I know.
Let me start with Goodreads. It is precisely what it sound like, a site to find good books to check out. You can rate and review books that you've read and receive recommendations for further reading. You can organize books that you have read, are reading or would like to read on your profile. There are also book lists, made by site members and moderators, centered around certain themes. When I was first introduced to the site, I went a little crazy on it. I rated about four hundred books, and put about a hundred more on my "to-read" shelf. I haven't had much of a chance to get involved in the community aspects of the site. It has been interesting to read reviews. Unlike a site like Amazon, where you get reviews more from a customer angle, Goodreads reviewers usually style themselves a lot like critics. It's a lot more like reading an editorial review. I could go on and on but I'll stop except to say that I recently went on a used books shopping spree and bought mostly books on my "to-read" shelf.
Next is Houzz, which is sort of like a bevy of home magazines with all the articles cut out. It is tons and tons of pictures of home spaces (and home products like sofas and beds and whatnot). On the site you can create ideabooks, where you can collect images that inspire you. The site also has the capability to point you towards local professionals that could help you in remodeling-contractors, furniture stores, etc. Since I am currently poor as dirt, I haven't used this service so I can't speak to its usefulness. You can browse others' ideabooks or search the images for a specific feature, such as small kitchens or English garden. There are also a number of useful and just humorous articles on home-related topics.
So those two are my current internet obsessions. I'm sure when Pinterest gets a fair shake, I'll be super addicted just like everyone else I know.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
School: Grad-u-it, eventually grad-u-ate
I'm being trepidatious about applying to grad school. (So much so that I distracted myself with an interesting defense of trepidatious as a word here. I vote yeah. Or is it yay?) I am applying to my alma mater. I went on the website to see what I would have to do and discovered that the application deadline had been extended from April 1. I should take it as a sign! I need to get on this. But I'm so nervous.
1! I hate rejection. Who doesn't? I am so scared that they're going to say no after I get my hopes up. That my heart will be broken.
2! I don't know if I can afford it. Going back to school means moving and trying to negotiate a new living situation, a new work situation, books, childcare, food, tuition. I can barely afford my life right now. Let me add in school, the job that you pay. I don't know if we can carry it.
3! I don't know if I'm ready. My brain feels totally dead lately. I am having trouble just balancing some recreational reading and writing with my everyday life with Lala and Bard. Can I really carry a course-load? I want school to be successful. Can I truly devote the time I need to do this correctly?
4! A biggie! I don't know that I know what I want to do. When I apply it will be for literacy education. I don't know if that's wise. I like parts of teaching. I love to write lesson plans (well, come up with the ideas for lessons). I love working with kids, I love having a job that I can take home and mull over (and have that actually work out for me). I love the hours and the kid-friendliness of the profession. But I'm intimidated by parents, other teachers and staff, socially awkward in a way that hinders my progress. Should I spend the money and time and effort to get this Master's if I'm not sure I want to pursue this profession? Should I leave this profession behind when I haven't gotten a chance to really experience it, and what I have experienced I have loved?
The window for the application is open.
I am going to do it. I can do it.
Right?
Right.
In other news, I am making fettuccine alfredo for dinner. I'll post the recipe later.
1! I hate rejection. Who doesn't? I am so scared that they're going to say no after I get my hopes up. That my heart will be broken.
2! I don't know if I can afford it. Going back to school means moving and trying to negotiate a new living situation, a new work situation, books, childcare, food, tuition. I can barely afford my life right now. Let me add in school, the job that you pay. I don't know if we can carry it.
3! I don't know if I'm ready. My brain feels totally dead lately. I am having trouble just balancing some recreational reading and writing with my everyday life with Lala and Bard. Can I really carry a course-load? I want school to be successful. Can I truly devote the time I need to do this correctly?
4! A biggie! I don't know that I know what I want to do. When I apply it will be for literacy education. I don't know if that's wise. I like parts of teaching. I love to write lesson plans (well, come up with the ideas for lessons). I love working with kids, I love having a job that I can take home and mull over (and have that actually work out for me). I love the hours and the kid-friendliness of the profession. But I'm intimidated by parents, other teachers and staff, socially awkward in a way that hinders my progress. Should I spend the money and time and effort to get this Master's if I'm not sure I want to pursue this profession? Should I leave this profession behind when I haven't gotten a chance to really experience it, and what I have experienced I have loved?
The window for the application is open.
I am going to do it. I can do it.
Right?
Right.
In other news, I am making fettuccine alfredo for dinner. I'll post the recipe later.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Buddy Cops!
An idea for a d20 game hit me like a bolt in the blue!
For the uninitiated, when I say d20 game, I mean any number of pen-and-paper role-playing games that utilize a 20 sided die in their main mechanics. In college, Bard and I game with great regularity, and I would love to get back into it. However, it's a tough sell for people who've never played them before, especially non-nerds, and I have no friends here in the big OH.
Oh, college. It was so easy to meet people there. At Big Box, most of the people I work with are old enough to be my grandmother.
Anyway! Since Bard and I mostly on our own for nerd stuff unless we manage to get online (and both of us online for any sort of uninterrupted time with an infant to care for would have to be some kind of ridiculous miracle) games that we can play by ourselves are great. The downside is that many genres don't necessarily work with that diminished force. In fantasy, the four man party is really the ideal.
Enter the buddy-cop scenario! Two man groups are really best for this type of investigative dynamic, and outside characters can be episodic. I can think of countless examples across multiple genres from Scully and Mulder to Shawn and Gus Further, we could take turns making adventures for the other to take the lead in discovering, allowing the writer of the adventure to act in a more supportive role.
I'm thinking either present day or some sort of sci-fi future type of setting. I'll have to present the idea to Bard when he gets home today. Perhaps we can talk preliminaries on our walk.
For the uninitiated, when I say d20 game, I mean any number of pen-and-paper role-playing games that utilize a 20 sided die in their main mechanics. In college, Bard and I game with great regularity, and I would love to get back into it. However, it's a tough sell for people who've never played them before, especially non-nerds, and I have no friends here in the big OH.
Oh, college. It was so easy to meet people there. At Big Box, most of the people I work with are old enough to be my grandmother.
Anyway! Since Bard and I mostly on our own for nerd stuff unless we manage to get online (and both of us online for any sort of uninterrupted time with an infant to care for would have to be some kind of ridiculous miracle) games that we can play by ourselves are great. The downside is that many genres don't necessarily work with that diminished force. In fantasy, the four man party is really the ideal.
Enter the buddy-cop scenario! Two man groups are really best for this type of investigative dynamic, and outside characters can be episodic. I can think of countless examples across multiple genres from Scully and Mulder to Shawn and Gus Further, we could take turns making adventures for the other to take the lead in discovering, allowing the writer of the adventure to act in a more supportive role.
I'm thinking either present day or some sort of sci-fi future type of setting. I'll have to present the idea to Bard when he gets home today. Perhaps we can talk preliminaries on our walk.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Am I hungry?
Quite seriously, at this moment I do not know if I'm hungry. How can I tell? I ate at about eleven thirty. Pizza, which wasn't my first choice. Bard is acting reticent, but things have been stressful, so I pulled back a little. I don't want to push him too hard. I had a handful of strawberries about twenty minutes ago.
Am I hungry? Bored? Tired? Bleeeeeeeh.
Am I hungry? Bored? Tired? Bleeeeeeeh.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Long time, no see....
Time! I haven't gotten to write in a while, and that sucks! I am sorry, me, for not taking this time. I am sorry, you, for promising things and then disappearing. Not cool.
Between working, looking for better work, taking care of Lala and taking care of my marriage and my health I have had very little time to myself that I have not used either napping or just vegging. But I'm trying to be more active in all ways, so back to this!
Actually, I missed writing in my blog immensely. It is a place where I can work out the threads going through my head. Part of the issue is that I started a blog post that was really too emotional to write at the time and I got blocked. I still want to write that post, about the process of having my daughter, but for now it can rest. I'm still processing the thoughts and emotions and events, even though it's seven months later. It's a complex post. I'll let it stew a while longer.
Updates! The breastfeeding is going very well. I'll devote a whole post to it, but Lala is now just over seven months old and we've only supplemented with formula probably twice. Lala started on homemade purees (also a likely post) and baby cereal. She loves peas, hooray! We're actually looking at using formula now to mix into Lala's cereal since her schedule is a little wonky thanks to my wonky Big Box schedule. The pumping is going well on and off.
My emotions have been raging over the past several months. Lala is not exactly an easy baby. I love her with every atom of my being and I wouldn't trade anything for her. But she's particular and very sensitive. Bard and I have had to seriously work on our relationship. We're in a better place where we try to communicate more but there are still challenges. We both feel a little stuck and that can be a real strain on us. Things are unstable in our home life otherwise, as well, though going into that opens up and entirely different can of worms. I've been trying to be more mentally and socially healthy but it has been a struggle.
The weight struggle continues. I hate to be uncomfortable, but I have a renewed fervor in the last weeks. Bard has started looking at joining the military. I feel like it would be a good move for our financial stability and that work in that vein will give him the satisfaction he wants out of a career. To do that, though, he needs to get into better shape and lose a significant amount of weight. So I'm trying to be part coach, part cheerleader, part drill sergeant. Bard is hard to push. He shuts down after too much. So I'm trying a lighter touch and to be enthusiastic and active myself. Today I had a minor victory at the market. I bought only healthy snacks! I'm sure we'll be able to do it if we push/support one another.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone at work who had written a book. A few friends of mine have written books and gotten them published. Selling on Amazon! What the hell am I waiting for? I can't tell you; I don't know. I don't feel as though I'm that good. I am definitely not that disciplined. But with all this other disciplining I'm trying to do, maybe I should reconsider.
I feel uninspired. I was telling Bard that I feel as though my brain has atrophied. I don't feel as clever or as intelligent or as creative as I used to. I want to get back there. Maybe if I try writing again it will help. I got a burst of energy on our RPG Maker project the other day and my brain felt pretty good for a while. Maybe it, just like my body, just needs a more strenuous workout than Big Box can provide.
I just got an idea for a d20 Modern or maybe d20 Future game I could play with my husband. End navel-gazing stream of consciousness! Begin possible game notes!
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| Lala sleeps like her mother sometimes... |
Actually, I missed writing in my blog immensely. It is a place where I can work out the threads going through my head. Part of the issue is that I started a blog post that was really too emotional to write at the time and I got blocked. I still want to write that post, about the process of having my daughter, but for now it can rest. I'm still processing the thoughts and emotions and events, even though it's seven months later. It's a complex post. I'll let it stew a while longer.
Updates! The breastfeeding is going very well. I'll devote a whole post to it, but Lala is now just over seven months old and we've only supplemented with formula probably twice. Lala started on homemade purees (also a likely post) and baby cereal. She loves peas, hooray! We're actually looking at using formula now to mix into Lala's cereal since her schedule is a little wonky thanks to my wonky Big Box schedule. The pumping is going well on and off.
My emotions have been raging over the past several months. Lala is not exactly an easy baby. I love her with every atom of my being and I wouldn't trade anything for her. But she's particular and very sensitive. Bard and I have had to seriously work on our relationship. We're in a better place where we try to communicate more but there are still challenges. We both feel a little stuck and that can be a real strain on us. Things are unstable in our home life otherwise, as well, though going into that opens up and entirely different can of worms. I've been trying to be more mentally and socially healthy but it has been a struggle.
The weight struggle continues. I hate to be uncomfortable, but I have a renewed fervor in the last weeks. Bard has started looking at joining the military. I feel like it would be a good move for our financial stability and that work in that vein will give him the satisfaction he wants out of a career. To do that, though, he needs to get into better shape and lose a significant amount of weight. So I'm trying to be part coach, part cheerleader, part drill sergeant. Bard is hard to push. He shuts down after too much. So I'm trying a lighter touch and to be enthusiastic and active myself. Today I had a minor victory at the market. I bought only healthy snacks! I'm sure we'll be able to do it if we push/support one another.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone at work who had written a book. A few friends of mine have written books and gotten them published. Selling on Amazon! What the hell am I waiting for? I can't tell you; I don't know. I don't feel as though I'm that good. I am definitely not that disciplined. But with all this other disciplining I'm trying to do, maybe I should reconsider.
I feel uninspired. I was telling Bard that I feel as though my brain has atrophied. I don't feel as clever or as intelligent or as creative as I used to. I want to get back there. Maybe if I try writing again it will help. I got a burst of energy on our RPG Maker project the other day and my brain felt pretty good for a while. Maybe it, just like my body, just needs a more strenuous workout than Big Box can provide.
I just got an idea for a d20 Modern or maybe d20 Future game I could play with my husband. End navel-gazing stream of consciousness! Begin possible game notes!
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