So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to. When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school. Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading. I was in a really good place.
I got pregnant again. The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet. I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms. I stopped losing weight. I started to get really worried. I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind. But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt. I was devastated and terrified. I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband. I remember that my hands were shaking and cold. I didn't have to say it out loud. I burst into tears. He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced. "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move. I had been accepted to school and we were set to go. I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding. I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school. I really felt that I needed to go ahead. I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school. With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.
|Lala & Mimi|
Thus, this post. I'm working on my own projects again, though I'm going to try to ease into a little. Here we go!