Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Monday, July 28, 2014
Random Thought
The relationship I currently have with my body (from time to time), summed up in a musical: I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change.
Friday, June 20, 2014
I'm back, baby(s).
Alright.
So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to. When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school. Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading. I was in a really good place.
And then something happened that really derailed me, in a lot of ways.
I got pregnant again. The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet. I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms. I stopped losing weight. I started to get really worried. I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind. But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt. I was devastated and terrified. I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband. I remember that my hands were shaking and cold. I didn't have to say it out loud. I burst into tears. He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced. "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move. I had been accepted to school and we were set to go. I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding. I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school. I really felt that I needed to go ahead. I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school. With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.
Now I'm getting ready for my last semester, taking a few summer courses and trying to get back into my groove. I'm working out and trying to eat better; I'm almost back down to the weight I was when I got pregnant with Mimi (which was about fifteen down from the weight I seem to hover around when I don't pay attention). I'm trying to get back into writing and read more (for me!).
So I want to come back to this even though I'm not sure how often I'll be able to. When last I left you, I was on track with weight loss and had gotten accepted in graduate school. Lala was getting to the point where she was becoming her own person, who could play for a little bit while I did something that didn't completely revolve around her. I was writing and reading. I was in a really good place.
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| Source |
I got pregnant again. The last post that I wrote, I was already pregnant but I didn't know yet. I was really sick for almost two weeks, but besides simply feeling like crap, I didn't have any other symptoms. I stopped losing weight. I started to get really worried. I hadn't yet gotten a period since Lala had been born and I was on birth control, so pregnancy didn't jump immediately to mind. But, deep down, I had a feeling.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I can't fully describe how I felt. I was devastated and terrified. I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my husband. I remember that my hands were shaking and cold. I didn't have to say it out loud. I burst into tears. He held my shoulders but I didn't want to be embraced. "What are we going to do?"
We had already started preparations to move. I had been accepted to school and we were set to go. I was finally experiencing more physical freedom than I had known from Lala but she was still breastfeeding. I didn't think I could do the exhaustion and the physical symptoms of pregnancy and birth all over again, especially with a baby as young as Lala that I needed to take care of.
It was hard but my husband and I talked a lot and we decided that we were going to go ahead with the move and with school. I really felt that I needed to go ahead. I feel like I stalled on my career long enough, and I was really itching for intellectual challenge.
So we packed up and moved back to our alma mater into an expensive not-great apartment in an excellent location in the village and I went back to school. With a lot of finangling, sooooo much help from our family and friends, a lot of understanding from my professors and a heady mix of determination, organization and insanity, I made it through my first two semesters, giving birth to Lala's sister Mimi a little more than halfway through my second semester.
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| Lala & Mimi |
Thus, this post. I'm working on my own projects again, though I'm going to try to ease into a little. Here we go!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Keeping it up
The motto for today is 'Rome wasn't built in a day.' I have lost eleven pounds and sort of stalled out a little. Possibly because I've had a terrible week. It's been mega stressful on its own and my biology is out to get me. I know I am a stress eater, so I've been trying to be mindful. But, honestly, it is better for me to sacrifice some calories than to torture myself with resisting my sweet tooth.
I am trying to get back in the groove. I just have to keep on the mantra. Forward, forward, forward. It'll take time.
I am trying to get back in the groove. I just have to keep on the mantra. Forward, forward, forward. It'll take time.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Holy Rainstorm, Batman
The rain has been super heavy this week. Thunderstorms have rolled into the area last night with thunder so loud that it shook the house. It is crazy and kind of awesome. The rain comes down in sheets as though someone has just overturned a bucket on the world.
The unfortunate side effect is that family walks are on hold all week. (My working at night hasn't helped, either, though.) Bard's momentum has ground to a halt and I feel his inertia affecting us both. I need rainy days activities for him. I'm happy to do an exercise DVD (even on nice days) but him, not so much.
I worry that I'm pushing too much on him. He has these goals but doesn't seem too enthusiastic. I feel like he's afraid of failure. It's hard to draw him into that conversation.
I read a magazine article once in high school. Less an article and more a fashion photo spread. I was getting front highlights (like Rogue from X-Men; I carried that look for years. Embarrassing.) and the only magazine within arm's reach was Vogue or something like that. Anyway, this "article" was called "Homme Improvement." The phrase stuck with me. The meaning for the article was something like dress your man like a boho hipster (or whatever was cool at the time). For me, it struck something of a sour note. I was dating someone at the time who could definitely use some "Homme Improvement" but it seemed dishonest at a level. Aren't you supposed to like people for who they are? Don't we pity women who try to change their man?
But I want to help Bard with change that he wants. Something about this time feels different to me. Like I'm finally ready. If I follow my plan, I'll be to my goal weight by the time Lala is two. But I don't know if Bard is ready.
Grah! I'm probably thinking too much.
The unfortunate side effect is that family walks are on hold all week. (My working at night hasn't helped, either, though.) Bard's momentum has ground to a halt and I feel his inertia affecting us both. I need rainy days activities for him. I'm happy to do an exercise DVD (even on nice days) but him, not so much.
I worry that I'm pushing too much on him. He has these goals but doesn't seem too enthusiastic. I feel like he's afraid of failure. It's hard to draw him into that conversation.
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| My two favorite people |
But I want to help Bard with change that he wants. Something about this time feels different to me. Like I'm finally ready. If I follow my plan, I'll be to my goal weight by the time Lala is two. But I don't know if Bard is ready.
Grah! I'm probably thinking too much.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Am I hungry?
Quite seriously, at this moment I do not know if I'm hungry. How can I tell? I ate at about eleven thirty. Pizza, which wasn't my first choice. Bard is acting reticent, but things have been stressful, so I pulled back a little. I don't want to push him too hard. I had a handful of strawberries about twenty minutes ago.
Am I hungry? Bored? Tired? Bleeeeeeeh.
Am I hungry? Bored? Tired? Bleeeeeeeh.
Workout DVDs
Now that I have Lala, I have realized how much time I used to fritter away on randomness. In my quest to get healthy, I need to find solid blocks of time to workout. If I work nights (as I, unfortunately, have been of late thanks to Big Box), I can usually fit in a short workout between the time I wake up and the time she wakes up. So I'm trying out various workout DVDs to see what works the best.
The first I got my hands on was Yoga for Weight Loss. I really love yoga. I feel so good when I'm doing it. That said, I'm still pretty much a beginner. This DVD was a little advanced for me and it was a little over an hour long. The music was nice and the routine was easy to follow. The instructor made it look easy (it isn't!) so that's a pro or a con, depending on your personality. Maybe as I get in better shape and Lala gets older, this will work better. But for now, it's a no-go. I'll revisit it later.
Today I tried out Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition the Workout. It has three leveled workouts at fifteen, twenty and thirty minutes. It ramps up the intensity appropriately between the levels. I did the Level 1 workout and found it mostly too easy, so I'll be trying Level 2 tomorrow. Chris Powell, the instructor, is as motivating as he is hunky. The first level is probably good for people just starting who are significantly out of shape. My biggest complaint is that it's a little sedate and from time to time the camera work throws off the rhythm to follow Chris while he speaks rather than the people working out.
I need to track down my other DVDs. Moving forward!
The first I got my hands on was Yoga for Weight Loss. I really love yoga. I feel so good when I'm doing it. That said, I'm still pretty much a beginner. This DVD was a little advanced for me and it was a little over an hour long. The music was nice and the routine was easy to follow. The instructor made it look easy (it isn't!) so that's a pro or a con, depending on your personality. Maybe as I get in better shape and Lala gets older, this will work better. But for now, it's a no-go. I'll revisit it later.
Today I tried out Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition the Workout. It has three leveled workouts at fifteen, twenty and thirty minutes. It ramps up the intensity appropriately between the levels. I did the Level 1 workout and found it mostly too easy, so I'll be trying Level 2 tomorrow. Chris Powell, the instructor, is as motivating as he is hunky. The first level is probably good for people just starting who are significantly out of shape. My biggest complaint is that it's a little sedate and from time to time the camera work throws off the rhythm to follow Chris while he speaks rather than the people working out.
I need to track down my other DVDs. Moving forward!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Long time, no see....
Time! I haven't gotten to write in a while, and that sucks! I am sorry, me, for not taking this time. I am sorry, you, for promising things and then disappearing. Not cool.
Between working, looking for better work, taking care of Lala and taking care of my marriage and my health I have had very little time to myself that I have not used either napping or just vegging. But I'm trying to be more active in all ways, so back to this!
Actually, I missed writing in my blog immensely. It is a place where I can work out the threads going through my head. Part of the issue is that I started a blog post that was really too emotional to write at the time and I got blocked. I still want to write that post, about the process of having my daughter, but for now it can rest. I'm still processing the thoughts and emotions and events, even though it's seven months later. It's a complex post. I'll let it stew a while longer.
Updates! The breastfeeding is going very well. I'll devote a whole post to it, but Lala is now just over seven months old and we've only supplemented with formula probably twice. Lala started on homemade purees (also a likely post) and baby cereal. She loves peas, hooray! We're actually looking at using formula now to mix into Lala's cereal since her schedule is a little wonky thanks to my wonky Big Box schedule. The pumping is going well on and off.
My emotions have been raging over the past several months. Lala is not exactly an easy baby. I love her with every atom of my being and I wouldn't trade anything for her. But she's particular and very sensitive. Bard and I have had to seriously work on our relationship. We're in a better place where we try to communicate more but there are still challenges. We both feel a little stuck and that can be a real strain on us. Things are unstable in our home life otherwise, as well, though going into that opens up and entirely different can of worms. I've been trying to be more mentally and socially healthy but it has been a struggle.
The weight struggle continues. I hate to be uncomfortable, but I have a renewed fervor in the last weeks. Bard has started looking at joining the military. I feel like it would be a good move for our financial stability and that work in that vein will give him the satisfaction he wants out of a career. To do that, though, he needs to get into better shape and lose a significant amount of weight. So I'm trying to be part coach, part cheerleader, part drill sergeant. Bard is hard to push. He shuts down after too much. So I'm trying a lighter touch and to be enthusiastic and active myself. Today I had a minor victory at the market. I bought only healthy snacks! I'm sure we'll be able to do it if we push/support one another.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone at work who had written a book. A few friends of mine have written books and gotten them published. Selling on Amazon! What the hell am I waiting for? I can't tell you; I don't know. I don't feel as though I'm that good. I am definitely not that disciplined. But with all this other disciplining I'm trying to do, maybe I should reconsider.
I feel uninspired. I was telling Bard that I feel as though my brain has atrophied. I don't feel as clever or as intelligent or as creative as I used to. I want to get back there. Maybe if I try writing again it will help. I got a burst of energy on our RPG Maker project the other day and my brain felt pretty good for a while. Maybe it, just like my body, just needs a more strenuous workout than Big Box can provide.
I just got an idea for a d20 Modern or maybe d20 Future game I could play with my husband. End navel-gazing stream of consciousness! Begin possible game notes!
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| Lala sleeps like her mother sometimes... |
Actually, I missed writing in my blog immensely. It is a place where I can work out the threads going through my head. Part of the issue is that I started a blog post that was really too emotional to write at the time and I got blocked. I still want to write that post, about the process of having my daughter, but for now it can rest. I'm still processing the thoughts and emotions and events, even though it's seven months later. It's a complex post. I'll let it stew a while longer.
Updates! The breastfeeding is going very well. I'll devote a whole post to it, but Lala is now just over seven months old and we've only supplemented with formula probably twice. Lala started on homemade purees (also a likely post) and baby cereal. She loves peas, hooray! We're actually looking at using formula now to mix into Lala's cereal since her schedule is a little wonky thanks to my wonky Big Box schedule. The pumping is going well on and off.
My emotions have been raging over the past several months. Lala is not exactly an easy baby. I love her with every atom of my being and I wouldn't trade anything for her. But she's particular and very sensitive. Bard and I have had to seriously work on our relationship. We're in a better place where we try to communicate more but there are still challenges. We both feel a little stuck and that can be a real strain on us. Things are unstable in our home life otherwise, as well, though going into that opens up and entirely different can of worms. I've been trying to be more mentally and socially healthy but it has been a struggle.
The weight struggle continues. I hate to be uncomfortable, but I have a renewed fervor in the last weeks. Bard has started looking at joining the military. I feel like it would be a good move for our financial stability and that work in that vein will give him the satisfaction he wants out of a career. To do that, though, he needs to get into better shape and lose a significant amount of weight. So I'm trying to be part coach, part cheerleader, part drill sergeant. Bard is hard to push. He shuts down after too much. So I'm trying a lighter touch and to be enthusiastic and active myself. Today I had a minor victory at the market. I bought only healthy snacks! I'm sure we'll be able to do it if we push/support one another.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone at work who had written a book. A few friends of mine have written books and gotten them published. Selling on Amazon! What the hell am I waiting for? I can't tell you; I don't know. I don't feel as though I'm that good. I am definitely not that disciplined. But with all this other disciplining I'm trying to do, maybe I should reconsider.
I feel uninspired. I was telling Bard that I feel as though my brain has atrophied. I don't feel as clever or as intelligent or as creative as I used to. I want to get back there. Maybe if I try writing again it will help. I got a burst of energy on our RPG Maker project the other day and my brain felt pretty good for a while. Maybe it, just like my body, just needs a more strenuous workout than Big Box can provide.
I just got an idea for a d20 Modern or maybe d20 Future game I could play with my husband. End navel-gazing stream of consciousness! Begin possible game notes!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Weight Struggle
My god. I can't believe I'm writing this post again. No, that's dishonest. I completely believe it and it bums me out. I've been struggling with my weight since I was in high school and I have written a journal or blog entry that this is the final straw too many times.
I don't feel too bad about the way I look, exactly. I'm not happy but I'm trying to make peace with it. I'm not always successful. I definitely still see some evidence of Lala's birth but it's only been two months so that's not too bad. But I know that my weight will not get better on its own. I know that it would be better for my body and my future if I could get it under control. I know that if I can get my weight under control early enough that Lala will benefit. I know I will be happier and less sick.
I want to do it. I have started my weight loss journey several times but am generally undone by my lack of discipline. I have a serious sweet tooth and my husband and I both love fried and sauced food. I drink way too much soda. I don't exercise.
In short, it's going to take a lot of change to do this.
Change isn't easy. But I want it. So I'm going to try again. And again, if I have to. And again.
At this start, I have a hundred pounds to lose. I'll add some fitness and nutrition goals as I go but that's the long term goal. First things first, cut back on the crap and stop sitting on my ass.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't feel too bad about the way I look, exactly. I'm not happy but I'm trying to make peace with it. I'm not always successful. I definitely still see some evidence of Lala's birth but it's only been two months so that's not too bad. But I know that my weight will not get better on its own. I know that it would be better for my body and my future if I could get it under control. I know that if I can get my weight under control early enough that Lala will benefit. I know I will be happier and less sick.
I want to do it. I have started my weight loss journey several times but am generally undone by my lack of discipline. I have a serious sweet tooth and my husband and I both love fried and sauced food. I drink way too much soda. I don't exercise.
In short, it's going to take a lot of change to do this.
Change isn't easy. But I want it. So I'm going to try again. And again, if I have to. And again.
At this start, I have a hundred pounds to lose. I'll add some fitness and nutrition goals as I go but that's the long term goal. First things first, cut back on the crap and stop sitting on my ass.
I'll let you know how it goes.
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