Thursday, November 29, 2012

Weight Struggle

My god.  I can't believe I'm writing this post again.  No, that's dishonest.  I completely believe it and it bums me out.  I've been struggling with my weight since I was in high school and I have written a journal or blog entry that this is the final straw too many times.
I don't feel too bad about the way I look, exactly.  I'm not happy but I'm trying to make peace with it.  I'm not always successful.  I definitely still see some evidence of Lala's birth but it's only been two months so that's not too bad.  But I know that my weight will not get better on its own.  I know that it would be better for my body and my future if I could get it under control.  I know that if I can get my weight under control early enough that Lala will benefit.  I know I will be happier and less sick.
I want to do it.  I have started my weight loss journey several times but am generally undone by my lack of discipline.  I have a serious sweet tooth and my husband and I both love fried and sauced food.  I drink way too much soda.  I don't exercise.
In short, it's going to take a lot of change to do this.
Change isn't easy.  But I want it.  So I'm going to try again.  And again, if I have to.  And again.
At this start, I have a hundred pounds to lose.  I'll add some fitness and nutrition goals as I go but that's the long term goal.  First things first, cut back on the crap and stop sitting on my ass.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Whoopie Pies

I recently started birth control for the first time in my life.  I am on a serious sweets and fried stuff kick and I am cranky as hell.  In that spirit, my grandmother's whoopie pies!  They are quite good but as I have gotten older I want the cookie to be a little darker and more bitter.  The filling is super sweet, so it would be a nice contrast.  But for now:

Whoopie Pie Classic

Mix together: 2 cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ¼ tsp salt, 1/3 cup cocoa and 1 cup sugar. Mix together: 1/3 cup oil, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla and ¾ cup milk.  Add to the dry ingredients.
Drop batter on ungreased cookie sheet by tablespoon. Bake 12 mins @ 350 °
Beat together until smooth: 1.5 sticks butter, 1.5 cup 10XXX sugar, 1/3 cup marshmallow creme and 2 tsp vanilla.  Spread on bottom side of a cookie and top with another to make a sandwich.

Be prepared for cavities!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I guess not.

This year I applied for the Teach for America program.  This isn't the first year I've tried.  Two years ago my sister and I applied at the same time.  I made it to the second round of interviews (second step in a three step process) but no further.  My sister made it all the way and is closing out her commitment to the corp this school year.  I didn't make it past this phase again.
I'm trying not to take it too hard.  I know that it's better that I didn't get knocked out in the final round of interviews, since it would definitely hurt more to have made it so close and have it come to naught.  But it's hard not to take it personally.  Since I graduated college I've only had one successful job interview.  It was for a substitute teaching position and they never really called me.  I think I substituted for the district a total of six days in a year.  It was completely pathetic.  Every other resume I've filled out, every application sent out was either met with silence or form letter rejection.
I'm underemployed.  I work part-time (not a choice) at a big box retailer where I got a job before I was finished with college.  I hate my job.  I don't feel like I have to use my brain at all.  Everything is cyclical and bureaucratic.  I count myself lucky to have a job but I have a college degree and $20,000 worth of debt to fold T-shirts and occasionally run a cash register.  It is a strange tightrope walk.  I am glad that I have work. I am grateful for it.  But I want to feel like my work matters.  I can't figure out why I don't feel like my work matters.  I don't think lowly of people that do my work and enjoy it.
I feel like an apologist suddenly.
I want a career but I feel guilty wanting more than I have.  But mostly today I feel rejected.
Maybe homemade sloppy joes will make me feel better.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Nice to meet you.

Lala is seven weeks old today.  My daughter is finally here and it feels like   These past seven weeks have been among the hardest and most rewarding in my life, but they have me mired in thought a lot of the time.  Since I graduated college I have been considering the direction of my life: whether I'm reaching my full potential, whether I'm happy or doing what I need to be to get there.
My wants and my interests are as varied as anyone's, I guess.  But I feel like my attention to them is so fractured that I flit from one to another.  This blog, besides helping me process my life, will help me explore my interests in a way that should allow me to incorporate them into my life in a meaningful way.
Now that Lala's here and I'm beginning to settle into our new life I feel like I need to get some of the stuff that's been swirling around my head out.  I need to process and refine and expand.  I want to better my life.
Maybe my meandering thoughts might serve someone somewhere along the way.  That's really the most I can hope for.