Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I guess not.

This year I applied for the Teach for America program.  This isn't the first year I've tried.  Two years ago my sister and I applied at the same time.  I made it to the second round of interviews (second step in a three step process) but no further.  My sister made it all the way and is closing out her commitment to the corp this school year.  I didn't make it past this phase again.
I'm trying not to take it too hard.  I know that it's better that I didn't get knocked out in the final round of interviews, since it would definitely hurt more to have made it so close and have it come to naught.  But it's hard not to take it personally.  Since I graduated college I've only had one successful job interview.  It was for a substitute teaching position and they never really called me.  I think I substituted for the district a total of six days in a year.  It was completely pathetic.  Every other resume I've filled out, every application sent out was either met with silence or form letter rejection.
I'm underemployed.  I work part-time (not a choice) at a big box retailer where I got a job before I was finished with college.  I hate my job.  I don't feel like I have to use my brain at all.  Everything is cyclical and bureaucratic.  I count myself lucky to have a job but I have a college degree and $20,000 worth of debt to fold T-shirts and occasionally run a cash register.  It is a strange tightrope walk.  I am glad that I have work. I am grateful for it.  But I want to feel like my work matters.  I can't figure out why I don't feel like my work matters.  I don't think lowly of people that do my work and enjoy it.
I feel like an apologist suddenly.
I want a career but I feel guilty wanting more than I have.  But mostly today I feel rejected.
Maybe homemade sloppy joes will make me feel better.

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