I am jealous of women who can afford to stay home with their kids. I greatly enjoy it. As the start of my workday looms, I am more and more reluctant. I sulked much of today, and cried to my mother. How can I feel like those moms that are excited to get back to work? They talk about wanting to have the time to themselves, about being happier when fulfilled by their work, and appreciating the family time that they get more for the time spent away. Intellectually, I understand this. But my heart aches when I think about being away from Lala. On the other hand, I think if I liked my work more I might be less reluctant.
I'm afraid of the effect working will have on my breastfeeding. My goal is to breastfeed for a year, though I will be satisfied with myself if i make it to six months. We have had a successful two months so far. I'm not sure what to expect or even what to do as I try to negotiate work and breastfeeding. Most of the internet advice I read is for women with predictably scheduled desk jobs. Close the door to your office, they suggest. I suppose that speaks to the type of working woman who is breastfeeding. If I figure it out, I'll let you know.
The other issue I think I'm having is that I finally feel like I've gotten into a good groove. I'm sleeping more regular hours, and I'm actually getting things done during the day. Initially, I was amazed if aside from caring for Lala I managed to get myself bathed and fed. Things have started to get more predictable and a little easier. Getting myself onto some semblance of a schedule was making me feel stable. Going back to work means adjusting to a whole new schedule. And, unfortunately, due to the nature of my employment, it will likely be a sporadic one.
I have to tell myself that going to work is what is best for my family right now. Lala will be better off if I'm bringing in an income and we have the benefits that my job gives me. I have to believe it.
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