Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Long time, no see....

Time!  I haven't gotten to write in a while, and that sucks!  I am sorry, me, for not taking this time.  I am sorry, you, for promising things and then disappearing.  Not cool.
Lala sleeps like her mother sometimes...
Between working, looking for better work, taking care of Lala and taking care of my marriage and my health I have had very little time to myself that I have not used either napping or just vegging.  But I'm trying to be more active in all ways, so back to this!
Actually, I missed writing in my blog immensely.  It is a place where I can work out the threads going through my head. Part of the issue is that I started a blog post that was really too emotional to write at the time and I got blocked.  I still want to write that post, about the process of having my daughter, but for now it can rest. I'm still processing the thoughts and emotions and events, even though it's seven months later.  It's a complex post.  I'll let it stew a while longer.
Updates!  The breastfeeding is going very well.  I'll devote a whole post to it, but Lala is now just over seven months old and we've only supplemented with formula probably twice.  Lala started on homemade purees (also a likely post) and baby cereal.  She loves peas, hooray! We're actually looking at using formula now to mix into Lala's cereal since her schedule is a little wonky thanks to my wonky Big Box schedule.  The pumping is going well on and off.
My emotions have been raging over the past several months.  Lala is not exactly an easy baby.  I love her with every atom of my being and I wouldn't trade anything for her.  But she's particular and very sensitive.  Bard and I have had to seriously work on our relationship.  We're in a better place where we try to communicate more but there are still challenges.  We both feel a little stuck and that can be a real strain on us.  Things are unstable in our home life otherwise, as well, though going into that opens up and entirely different can of worms.  I've been trying to be more mentally and socially healthy but it has been a struggle.
The weight struggle continues.  I hate to be uncomfortable, but I have a renewed fervor in the last weeks.  Bard has started looking at joining the military.  I feel like it would be a good move for our financial stability and that work in that vein will give him the satisfaction he wants out of a career.  To do that, though, he needs to get into better shape and lose a significant amount of weight.  So I'm trying to be part coach, part cheerleader, part drill sergeant.  Bard is hard to push.  He shuts down after too much.  So I'm trying a lighter touch and to be enthusiastic and active myself.  Today I had a minor victory at the market.  I bought only healthy snacks!  I'm sure we'll be able to do it if we push/support one another.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone at work who had written a book.  A few friends of mine have written books and gotten them published.  Selling on Amazon!  What the hell am I waiting for?  I can't tell you; I don't know.  I don't feel as though I'm that good.  I am definitely not that disciplined.  But with all this other disciplining I'm trying to do, maybe I should reconsider.
I feel uninspired.  I was telling Bard that I feel as though my brain has atrophied.  I don't feel as clever or as intelligent or as creative as I used to.  I want to get back there.  Maybe if I try writing again it will help.  I got a burst of energy on our RPG Maker project the other day and my brain felt pretty good for a while.  Maybe it, just like my body, just needs a more strenuous workout than Big Box can provide.
I just got an idea for a d20 Modern or maybe d20 Future game I could play with my husband.  End navel-gazing stream of consciousness!  Begin possible game notes!

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